That's it! I've had enough of this shit man. I'm fucking sick to death of being single. I've no idea what's wrong with me, I mean I'm a nice guy, I have a good sense of humour, I'm not all that unattractive. So why can't I ever find anyone? 24 years is a long time to be alone, even by the law of averages I should have had at least one relationship by now. For fucks sake!
Of course it doesn't help that my brother just got married to someone he's known for about a year, after spending 30 seconds on one of those dating sites, he finds someone, but me I've spent fucking ages on those damn things and got nothing! Nadda! Zip! It's fucking depressing man!
Are my standards too high? Hardly. I'm not saying I'll take anything but I've fallen for quite a few people who aren't.... lets say not quite glamour model standard, attractive in their own way. I just seem to be the most unluckiest man alive when it comes to women, even some Indian guy who is half tree has had better luck than me! I mean come on! The guy hasn't even got hands! Just tree stumps.
All I want is someone to cherish and who'll cherish me, is that too much to ask for?
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Monday, 14 April 2008
Sunday, 13 April 2008
Let's-a Go!
So then Mario Kart Wii, good game, shame about the cheating bitch slapping AI, some things will never change...
Thankfully the online part is great, I had no noticeable lag and getting a match was quick and painless. Of course the fact that I won all 12 races by quite a considerable margin didn't hurt any. It's a funny ol' game though some races you'll win easy peasy but others (in the same cup) you'll just get bitch slapped from start to finish, I've already lost count of the number of times I've been hit by a blue shell or lightning while I'm in mid air over a deep hole causing me to plummet to my doom.
I am a little curious about the inclusion of the bikes though, to be frank they're pretty shit and don't really offer anything new to the series. I mean yeah its great that you can get a mini boost on the straights but that's only because you can't get the fully powered up boost on the corners. I guess some of the stunts you pull are nice but then you can do stunts in the normal kart negating the need for bikes. I'd have prefered it if they spent the time and space on adding more new tracks than the bikes.
Which leads me onto my next point the tracks, the new one are generally pretty good, no real favourites as yet but none that make me cringe, well apart from Rainbow road. I just wish there were more of them, yes having the retro cups is nice but I'm not a big fan of re-buying things so the thought that I'm paying £35 quid for a pointless bit of plastic (the steering wheel) and 16 old tracks doesn't best please me, I'd much rather only have 4-8 retro tracks and get an extra 8-12 brand new tracks that I can sink my teeth into.
Whatever good game, go by it.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Thankfully the online part is great, I had no noticeable lag and getting a match was quick and painless. Of course the fact that I won all 12 races by quite a considerable margin didn't hurt any. It's a funny ol' game though some races you'll win easy peasy but others (in the same cup) you'll just get bitch slapped from start to finish, I've already lost count of the number of times I've been hit by a blue shell or lightning while I'm in mid air over a deep hole causing me to plummet to my doom.
I am a little curious about the inclusion of the bikes though, to be frank they're pretty shit and don't really offer anything new to the series. I mean yeah its great that you can get a mini boost on the straights but that's only because you can't get the fully powered up boost on the corners. I guess some of the stunts you pull are nice but then you can do stunts in the normal kart negating the need for bikes. I'd have prefered it if they spent the time and space on adding more new tracks than the bikes.
Which leads me onto my next point the tracks, the new one are generally pretty good, no real favourites as yet but none that make me cringe, well apart from Rainbow road. I just wish there were more of them, yes having the retro cups is nice but I'm not a big fan of re-buying things so the thought that I'm paying £35 quid for a pointless bit of plastic (the steering wheel) and 16 old tracks doesn't best please me, I'd much rather only have 4-8 retro tracks and get an extra 8-12 brand new tracks that I can sink my teeth into.
Whatever good game, go by it.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Monday, 17 March 2008
Sniper Spotted! Sniper Spotted!
I've been playing a lot of the Battlefield 2 demo lately with one of my mates, it's been good fun, we'd head from base to base, working as a tight team, killing the bag guys, stealing their transports and taking their bases for our own. Usually I'd be playing as an assault class soldier armed with a rifle and not much else, it's good fun, going around the place killing random bad guys and what not but recently I've been experimenting with being a sniper and that's an interesting experience.
Mad dashes for cover, followed by scoping out snip points, then another mad dash to the nearest ladder, praying no one sees you as you climb up. Then quickly hitting the deck to make your self less noticeable, crawl into position, then you wait. And wait. And wait. All the while scoping out the area for the enemy, half of them are out of range, so there's no point in shooting them, the other half are in transports of one kind or another. Then, eventually you spot one lonesome guy out in the open, you track him, waiting for the right moment to shoot, trying to anticipate his next move, he stops and crouches down, you line up the sight, pull the trigger. And sigh as you miss miserable.
Thankfully it's not always like that, there are times when you just cap them in the head from 200 meters away or more first time now that's a good feeling. What's even better is when another sniper has spotted you, a game of cat and mouse break outs, the war around you is forgotten about, all you care about now is killing the fucker who just took a pop at you! Let me retell the story for you....
I was at the top of a crain, I mean right at the top, sitting on the main arm, sniping any enemy troops foolish enough to get to close to the base below me. Then a sniper took a pop at me, it was none other than my mate (cheeky sod!). I quickly found out where he was and sought cover behind some of the architecture of the crain, peering out to find him, it didn't take long, laying down on the top of a hotel a good 250-300 meters away (half the width of the game map). We exchanged a few shoots, he then duct behind the roof exit structure and so I waited for him to pop out again, which of course he did, I then lined up my shoot, he evidentially thought he was safe, hardly moving from his spot, I raise my sight, taking distance into account, pulled the trigger, and he toppled over, one shot kill! Now of course in the intervening time between his first shot and my killing him I nearly missed some guy making his way up the crain so naturally I was able to deal with him quite easily being so much closer and watched as his lifeless body tumbled back down the ladder and crashed into the floor below.
It things like that, that make being a sniper fun, sure there are times when you're just scanning the horizon begging for someone to rear their head but all it takes is for a bullet to whizz past your head for the real game to begin.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Mad dashes for cover, followed by scoping out snip points, then another mad dash to the nearest ladder, praying no one sees you as you climb up. Then quickly hitting the deck to make your self less noticeable, crawl into position, then you wait. And wait. And wait. All the while scoping out the area for the enemy, half of them are out of range, so there's no point in shooting them, the other half are in transports of one kind or another. Then, eventually you spot one lonesome guy out in the open, you track him, waiting for the right moment to shoot, trying to anticipate his next move, he stops and crouches down, you line up the sight, pull the trigger. And sigh as you miss miserable.
Thankfully it's not always like that, there are times when you just cap them in the head from 200 meters away or more first time now that's a good feeling. What's even better is when another sniper has spotted you, a game of cat and mouse break outs, the war around you is forgotten about, all you care about now is killing the fucker who just took a pop at you! Let me retell the story for you....
I was at the top of a crain, I mean right at the top, sitting on the main arm, sniping any enemy troops foolish enough to get to close to the base below me. Then a sniper took a pop at me, it was none other than my mate (cheeky sod!). I quickly found out where he was and sought cover behind some of the architecture of the crain, peering out to find him, it didn't take long, laying down on the top of a hotel a good 250-300 meters away (half the width of the game map). We exchanged a few shoots, he then duct behind the roof exit structure and so I waited for him to pop out again, which of course he did, I then lined up my shoot, he evidentially thought he was safe, hardly moving from his spot, I raise my sight, taking distance into account, pulled the trigger, and he toppled over, one shot kill! Now of course in the intervening time between his first shot and my killing him I nearly missed some guy making his way up the crain so naturally I was able to deal with him quite easily being so much closer and watched as his lifeless body tumbled back down the ladder and crashed into the floor below.
It things like that, that make being a sniper fun, sure there are times when you're just scanning the horizon begging for someone to rear their head but all it takes is for a bullet to whizz past your head for the real game to begin.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Yay! For computer troubles!
So a couple of days ago my PC started playing up. It first started with with just the internet being abnormally slow, at the time I thought nothing of it, especially as my dad's PC was a bit slow surfing the internet as well. However this problem seems to have spread beyond my PC, random intervals my internet will dive for about 20 seconds, pages will just sit there doing nothing, supposedly loading but then without warning the page will load. That's not the end of the world I suppose but the main problem, the one really affecting my PC is when I open a program, any program, even spider solitaire causes the system to go into melt down, CPU usage will sky rocket to 100% but there's no apparent program or process using all that processing power, the odd program will spike to 50%+ but then go down again a few seconds later. This'll last for about 5-10 minutes, leaving me with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs (or whip out my good ol' DS, I'd forgotten how good Polarium is!).
It seems to be a pretty common problem, a search on google turns out hundreds or results (as per usual) all detailing the same problem (minus the internet stuff, evidently a different problem all together). So you'd think I've have this issue sorted in no time, right? what with all those results on google. Well no, while loads of people seem to have the same problem (100% cpu usage for no apparent reason) there seems to be a 101 reasons as to why it happens, some people have fixed it by turning off windows automatic update, some have re-installed zone alarm, a few have had problems with the latest version of Winamp (version 5.52 for those of you who want to know), some have taken the drastic measure of wiping the hard drive and starting afresh. so far I've only the first of those, along with some other things like cleaning up my cache and registry, doing a very probing virus/spamware/malware scan, they turned a couple of things, none of which would cause the system to become unusable.
Despite all this though I think I know the true reason why my system is fucked at the moment, and it all comes down to one games company, EA. I downloaded the demo to battlefield 2142 and when I first ran the install exe things started to go tits up, coincidence? Maybe, I'm not so sure though. Either way I've uninstalled the demo but the damage seems to be done. I wasn't a big fan of EA before and if that demo does turn out to be the cause of my troubles then my opinion of them will plummet even further, as far as I'm concerned their only saving grace is Criterion, the makers of Burnout, while buying them out wasn't necessarily the best thing to do, they did have the smarts to just leave them to it.
Anyway 100% CPU usage, annoying. Any suggestions as to how to fix it are more then welcome.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Edit:
Well I seem to have fixed, seems the source of all this grief was Zone Alarm. Sorry about that EA... kinda...
It seems to be a pretty common problem, a search on google turns out hundreds or results (as per usual) all detailing the same problem (minus the internet stuff, evidently a different problem all together). So you'd think I've have this issue sorted in no time, right? what with all those results on google. Well no, while loads of people seem to have the same problem (100% cpu usage for no apparent reason) there seems to be a 101 reasons as to why it happens, some people have fixed it by turning off windows automatic update, some have re-installed zone alarm, a few have had problems with the latest version of Winamp (version 5.52 for those of you who want to know), some have taken the drastic measure of wiping the hard drive and starting afresh. so far I've only the first of those, along with some other things like cleaning up my cache and registry, doing a very probing virus/spamware/malware scan, they turned a couple of things, none of which would cause the system to become unusable.
Despite all this though I think I know the true reason why my system is fucked at the moment, and it all comes down to one games company, EA. I downloaded the demo to battlefield 2142 and when I first ran the install exe things started to go tits up, coincidence? Maybe, I'm not so sure though. Either way I've uninstalled the demo but the damage seems to be done. I wasn't a big fan of EA before and if that demo does turn out to be the cause of my troubles then my opinion of them will plummet even further, as far as I'm concerned their only saving grace is Criterion, the makers of Burnout, while buying them out wasn't necessarily the best thing to do, they did have the smarts to just leave them to it.
Anyway 100% CPU usage, annoying. Any suggestions as to how to fix it are more then welcome.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
Edit:
Well I seem to have fixed, seems the source of all this grief was Zone Alarm. Sorry about that EA... kinda...
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Another year
Yay! I'm another year older today! Grand old age of 24. I'll be collecting my pension before you know it! Overall it's been a good day, although my lie in was rudely interrupted by the damn cat first wanting to be feed then she wanted to be let out. Never mind though it's a minor blip on an otherwise great day.
Birthday wishes are nice, and they're even nicer when they're from a girl, and I had two girls send me their best today! Two! This is a monumentus occasion! Especially as I didn't have to say a word to either of them, it just made the day all the better.
Anyway that was it, just thought I'd let everyone know how my day went.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to talk a walk in my birthday shoes!
Birthday wishes are nice, and they're even nicer when they're from a girl, and I had two girls send me their best today! Two! This is a monumentus occasion! Especially as I didn't have to say a word to either of them, it just made the day all the better.
Anyway that was it, just thought I'd let everyone know how my day went.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to talk a walk in my birthday shoes!
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
And it's gone!
So I've just found out that "Amanda" logged into her myspace the other day. Great! you'd think, right... no. It's very much the complete opposite of great. It's very much bad, very bad. It's bad because she hasn't sent me a message back, nada, zip, zero, cero, diddle-squat, nothing, not a dickie, a distinct lack of presence, vapour-ware, void, nothing. At all.
I know I should take it as a hint and move on, but like I've said before I can't. The events of my youth haunt me to this day, I need answers damn it! Cold hard answers, not avoidance answers. I don't know maybe I'm jumping the gun a little, maybe she's taking her time formulating a suitable answer, maybe I'm in total denial but who the fuck cares!? End of the day I'm still without the answers I need, still plagued by my past. Would it really be so hard for her to write a few words back to me, I'm not expecting fucking Shakespeare! Hell a simple "Hi, how are you?" would have done!
Of course the timing of all this is just perfect isn't it? What with Valentines day just a few days away. I despise valentines day not because it's a cheap ass holiday but because all the happy couples are out in force rubbing it right into your lonely hart face. 23 years, 23 fucking years I've had to put up with couples being all happy and joyful while I've been alone. I'm fucking sick of it! Isn't it about time I had someone to care for? Someone who cared for me? I'm a nice guy, and believe it or not I'm actually quite a romantic. But none of you want that do you? Sure you say you do but when it comes down to it you want that fuckin' dunce with the tree trunk arms and chiselled jaw line. Fucking god damn double standards.
I suppose now you can all see how much this bothers me. Quite a sudden and violent outburst like that, who would have thought that no communication could hurt so much. She probably thinks she is sparing me pain, but let this go out to all the women of the world, silence is a killer, be honest and straight up with us poor men, we're only simple creatures after all.
I don't know how else to try and get the answers I want from her, I've tried being friendly and got no answer, I've totally blunt and honest with her and got no answer, I've even done the middle ground and got nothing. The only thing left that I can think of is to stalk her and that's something I'm not prepared to do, I'm just not that desperate and it doesn't help anyone in the long run.
I'm just a lonely soul trying to find some meaning in it all.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to please, please, give me some answers.
I know I should take it as a hint and move on, but like I've said before I can't. The events of my youth haunt me to this day, I need answers damn it! Cold hard answers, not avoidance answers. I don't know maybe I'm jumping the gun a little, maybe she's taking her time formulating a suitable answer, maybe I'm in total denial but who the fuck cares!? End of the day I'm still without the answers I need, still plagued by my past. Would it really be so hard for her to write a few words back to me, I'm not expecting fucking Shakespeare! Hell a simple "Hi, how are you?" would have done!
Of course the timing of all this is just perfect isn't it? What with Valentines day just a few days away. I despise valentines day not because it's a cheap ass holiday but because all the happy couples are out in force rubbing it right into your lonely hart face. 23 years, 23 fucking years I've had to put up with couples being all happy and joyful while I've been alone. I'm fucking sick of it! Isn't it about time I had someone to care for? Someone who cared for me? I'm a nice guy, and believe it or not I'm actually quite a romantic. But none of you want that do you? Sure you say you do but when it comes down to it you want that fuckin' dunce with the tree trunk arms and chiselled jaw line. Fucking god damn double standards.
I suppose now you can all see how much this bothers me. Quite a sudden and violent outburst like that, who would have thought that no communication could hurt so much. She probably thinks she is sparing me pain, but let this go out to all the women of the world, silence is a killer, be honest and straight up with us poor men, we're only simple creatures after all.
I don't know how else to try and get the answers I want from her, I've tried being friendly and got no answer, I've totally blunt and honest with her and got no answer, I've even done the middle ground and got nothing. The only thing left that I can think of is to stalk her and that's something I'm not prepared to do, I'm just not that desperate and it doesn't help anyone in the long run.
I'm just a lonely soul trying to find some meaning in it all.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to please, please, give me some answers.
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Memories of Days Past
I thought you were just a memory of my past
I thought I had moved on
But you’ve come back into my life
Crashed into the present
I thought I had moved on
But you’ve come back into my life
Crashed into the present
Why can I not let the past go?
Why do you have such a hold over my life?
Just hearing your name is torture
My hart skips when I see a picture of you
Why did we not try harder?
Do you dare live the dream?
Will I get the fairytale ending?
I’ll never know if you read it
Were my words so harsh?
Is what happened between us so painful?
Wondering how you felt about me
Did you like me?
Were you just toying with my hart?
I can’t change what happened
But I’m more of a man now
If only you could understand
If only you could see the man I am now
You’re as beautiful now
As when I first saw you
This will never change
You are my first love
Give me a chance to close the door
The chance to move on
And leave the past behind
Answers to simple questions
No matter the result
My life will be transformed for the better
Now, just like you did back then
Keeping busy
So I don’t think about you
Will you give me the chance?
You gave me hope once
Is it too much to ask for it again?
Sunday, 13 January 2008
Here comes the pitch!
So for better or worse I sent "Amanda" a message, nothing much just saying hi and asking how things are going and it's sure been a long time, since secondary school, also included my email address. So now it's just a waiting game, I've never sent a message through myspace before, truth be told I'd only ever been on myspace a handful of times before this discovery. So I've no idea how the message system works, does it sit there waiting for the recipient waiting to log in, or is there a notification sent? Is a copy of the message included in said notification? I only ask so I know weather to check her myspace to see if she's logged in or not.
I should make something clear, a lot of people have told me not to ask for a relationship with her. I'd like to state for the record that I'm not interested in having a relationship with her, I'm not seeking one at any rate, if she asks then sure I'm going to say yes (I'd be mad not to) but I'm certainly not going to be asking. I'm far more interested in knowing how she felt back then so I can finally close the door on those events.
Wish me luck...
This is Benji Dude, asking you to talk a walk down memory lane.
I should make something clear, a lot of people have told me not to ask for a relationship with her. I'd like to state for the record that I'm not interested in having a relationship with her, I'm not seeking one at any rate, if she asks then sure I'm going to say yes (I'd be mad not to) but I'm certainly not going to be asking. I'm far more interested in knowing how she felt back then so I can finally close the door on those events.
Wish me luck...
This is Benji Dude, asking you to talk a walk down memory lane.
Thursday, 10 January 2008
Knocked for six!
I've just made a bit of a discovery... it's not earth shattering, nor is it going to change the way science perceives the universe. It has however knocked me for six, and taken me back in time by a decade, give or take a year.
You see I think I've found the myspace page for my first love, now I know what you're thinking, "Aww isn't that nice? A little kid fallen in love, probably doesn't even know what love is". But it's not like that; I knew what love was when I was 13. I was in year 8 at secondary school, we had French and Science together, it had all the makings of a fairy tale, she was popular and confident, I... well I was the loner outcast (sad but true). Coming up to Christmas in year 8 and I gave her a Christmas card, at the beginning of the French lesion. Imaging the picture if you will, the shy quiet loner kid just gave a card to one of the more popular kids in school in plain sight of the whole class, a big bold move I think you'll agree, made all the more so when you factor in that the card had a message inviting her out to see a film and my phone number. Needless to say the news travelled fast, I believe the lesion was in the morning and buy Lunch most of the school knew. So you can guess how that Lunch break went. About a week later (maybe less, yeah she kept me hanging for a while) when I had pretty much given up all hope of her (lets call her Amanda - not her real name) getting in contact she rang me, late in the evening great news! She very much wanted to go see a film with me; I swear to god I must have been several inches off the floor. Unfortunately she was going away for Christmas and wouldn't be back till the New Year, so the film would have to wait.
The holidays came and went without a word from Amanda...
Back at school and during a science lesion a note was passed to me... I don't get notes... or talked to... I'm just ignored and left to do the work. The note was from Amanda, she was apologising for not getting in contact with me, apparently her mum cuts the back off of the Christmas cards and throws them away (god knows why) unfortunately Amanda didn't make a copy of my number, hence no phone calls. Of course it took me a while to find this message out; the loner getting a message in class must be interesting to the others on the table. Anyway she lost my number, fair enough it can happen. In hindsight I should have gone over to her and given her my number again but like I said, shy, quiet, loner that kind of thing just isn't going to happen in the middle of a class.
So then the next Lunch break I stood outside the exit of the dinner hall and waited for her... and waited.... and waited.... Eventually she came out, deep breath, stomach doing somersaults, and I asked for her number, she gave it to me, I didn't write it down, I thought I'd be able to remember it... no. The following Lunch Break, I waited outside the dinner hall again... and waited... and waited.... Like last time she eventually came out, armed with a pen this time I got her number and wrote it down on the back of my hand, surely it would be safe?.... no, one of the freakin' numbers had worn off before the end of the day, why I didn't write it down on a bit of paper before it had faded I've no idea (probably delusional from being in her presence or something). Never mind, I can see the faint outline of the number left on my hand, I can still ring her. Five combinations I tried none of them worked. I even went through the phone book and no luck; well none of the numbers in there matched what I had at any rate.
That's pretty much the end of that time period, I'd assumed that I'd messed her around so much she just wouldn't be interested any more. She certainly didn't come after me, weather that was due to social differences or not I don't know but end of the day I was too shy to go after her and get her freakin' number!
Fast forward a couple of years, I'd just done my GCSE's (so I'm about 16) and was about to start college in a couple of weeks. All this time the thing with Amanda had been bugging me, so out with the phone book, find her surname in the right area and start at the top, luckily there was only 8 or so numbers, shouldn't take too long, numbers 1-7 were dead ends... down to the last number..., "Hi is Amanda XXX there?", "No but this is her aunt, would you like her home number?" (the conversation wasn't quite like that, there was a bit in the middle where I explained that I used to know her and was trying to get in contact and catch up). So of course I finally had her number, only taken 3 years or so but I finally had her freakin' number. After a couple of days preparing, psyching myself up, planning what I was going to say (making sure the parents weren't about) and I rang the number. Someone answered, "Hi is Amanda there?" I asked, throat dry, knees knocking together, "Yeah hang on"... fuck me; I'm going to be talking to her, what am I going to say! She picked up, the usual compliments and pleasantries were exchanged, ok this is it... "I still have feelings for you" I say (Yes hindsight, 20/20, stupid thing to say), "Oh" she said, not the response I was really hoping for, "Sorry I'm seeing someone" oh god smite me now please! Swallowing my pride I continue with the pleasantries, turns out we're both heading to the same college, maybe we'll see each other, probably not.
Two years of college (now about 18) and I didn't see her, then one day, while travailing back home on the bus I see her get on, at least I think I see her, sure it's been a while, but it looks just like her! Still too shy to say anything (seriously what do you say after THAT phone call?) besides she was with friends, so I just sat back and watched her, and saw where she got off. The next several months I tried in vain to figure out which house she lived in, with the hope of maybe, just maybe being able to send her a letter, even going so far as to ring the directory enquiries no luck. The quest continues.
Fast forward again to the spring of the first year of Uni (20/21), Friends Reunited and who should I see in the list of students at my school? That's right, Amanda... she seemed to be doing well for her self, she'd lost contact with a friend and was asking for any information on where she might be. Computer knowledge! Away! I searched the internet for a means of contact for her lost friend and I found something, excellent I have a legit reason for getting in contact with her. Pay the membership for Friends Reunited, formulate the email, ask the questions that have been eating away at me for years (did you really like me? Or were you just messing around with the loner kid?), does it read ok? yeah it's fine. All the contact stuff is right? yeah, send.
Nadda, zip, zero, cero, nothing, not a diccie bird, diddle squat. Hell didn't even get a "your message has been received"
And that was it, that was the story of my first love and the torment she has caused me and I've caused myself. Until now that is, now I've seen her, or someone who looks very similar at least and is the right age, and went to the right college and school. There's even photos... she's looking good, more or less as I remember her, sure the hairs changed but when doesn't it?
So now I have the dilemma, I had pretty much accepted that I wouldn't see or hear from her again but there's this myspace page, relatively recent, last logged in on Christmas Eve. I could just send her a message but do I want to? Do I want to kick up those memories, those feelings again? I've taken what I can from not knowing if she was messing with me or not, do I want to get my hopes up at getting a response? Not a day goes by where I don't think about what could have been, how different my life could have been had I been lucky and got with her. Do I have the right to nag her again after all this time, I am after all verging on stalker territory here, I only found her myspace because her Friends Reunited profile had disappeared. Do I have the right, the nerve, to drag her past back up? How will my actions affect her? If it's anything like she reacted when I didn't call her back in school, it could be pretty traumatic (when I didn't ring her, her whole wardrobe changed, gone were the brighter form fitting, more or less, clothes replaced with dark colours that hid her figure... I was making this girl depressed by not ringing her!). Do I dare run that risk again by sending her an email?
What if she answers, what if she answers my questions? Will I be able to cope with the answers supplied? Will it be enough to get the closure I've sought after for years? Or will it just raise more questions for me? Will it make me feel really bad for screwing things up?
So many questions... how am I meant to decide what to do?
It's almost too easy to do, just a click away and I could be in contact with her again.
I should probably point out that I've not been souly interested in Amanda all this time (I've not been that sad!) There have been several other girls that I've fallen for, all of which said no to an initial date, even one as simple as, "Can I buy you a drink?".
Doesn't change the fact that here profile is right there, looming over me... the discovery keeping me up till the wee hours of the morning.
This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.
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