Knocked for six!

I've just made a bit of a discovery... it's not earth shattering, nor is it going to change the way science perceives the universe. It has however knocked me for six, and taken me back in time by a decade, give or take a year.

You see I think I've found the myspace page for my first love, now I know what you're thinking, "Aww isn't that nice? A little kid fallen in love, probably doesn't even know what love is". But it's not like that; I knew what love was when I was 13. I was in year 8 at secondary school, we had French and Science together, it had all the makings of a fairy tale, she was popular and confident, I... well I was the loner outcast (sad but true). Coming up to Christmas in year 8 and I gave her a Christmas card, at the beginning of the French lesion. Imaging the picture if you will, the shy quiet loner kid just gave a card to one of the more popular kids in school in plain sight of the whole class, a big bold move I think you'll agree, made all the more so when you factor in that the card had a message inviting her out to see a film and my phone number. Needless to say the news travelled fast, I believe the lesion was in the morning and buy Lunch most of the school knew. So you can guess how that Lunch break went. About a week later (maybe less, yeah she kept me hanging for a while) when I had pretty much given up all hope of her (lets call her Amanda - not her real name) getting in contact she rang me, late in the evening great news! She very much wanted to go see a film with me; I swear to god I must have been several inches off the floor. Unfortunately she was going away for Christmas and wouldn't be back till the New Year, so the film would have to wait.

The holidays came and went without a word from Amanda...

Back at school and during a science lesion a note was passed to me... I don't get notes... or talked to... I'm just ignored and left to do the work. The note was from Amanda, she was apologising for not getting in contact with me, apparently her mum cuts the back off of the Christmas cards and throws them away (god knows why) unfortunately Amanda didn't make a copy of my number, hence no phone calls. Of course it took me a while to find this message out; the loner getting a message in class must be interesting to the others on the table. Anyway she lost my number, fair enough it can happen. In hindsight I should have gone over to her and given her my number again but like I said, shy, quiet, loner that kind of thing just isn't going to happen in the middle of a class.

So then the next Lunch break I stood outside the exit of the dinner hall and waited for her... and waited.... and waited.... Eventually she came out, deep breath, stomach doing somersaults, and I asked for her number, she gave it to me, I didn't write it down, I thought I'd be able to remember it... no. The following Lunch Break, I waited outside the dinner hall again... and waited... and waited.... Like last time she eventually came out, armed with a pen this time I got her number and wrote it down on the back of my hand, surely it would be safe?.... no, one of the freakin' numbers had worn off before the end of the day, why I didn't write it down on a bit of paper before it had faded I've no idea (probably delusional from being in her presence or something). Never mind, I can see the faint outline of the number left on my hand, I can still ring her. Five combinations I tried none of them worked. I even went through the phone book and no luck; well none of the numbers in there matched what I had at any rate.

That's pretty much the end of that time period, I'd assumed that I'd messed her around so much she just wouldn't be interested any more. She certainly didn't come after me, weather that was due to social differences or not I don't know but end of the day I was too shy to go after her and get her freakin' number!

Fast forward a couple of years, I'd just done my GCSE's (so I'm about 16) and was about to start college in a couple of weeks. All this time the thing with Amanda had been bugging me, so out with the phone book, find her surname in the right area and start at the top, luckily there was only 8 or so numbers, shouldn't take too long, numbers 1-7 were dead ends... down to the last number..., "Hi is Amanda XXX there?", "No but this is her aunt, would you like her home number?" (the conversation wasn't quite like that, there was a bit in the middle where I explained that I used to know her and was trying to get in contact and catch up). So of course I finally had her number, only taken 3 years or so but I finally had her freakin' number. After a couple of days preparing, psyching myself up, planning what I was going to say (making sure the parents weren't about) and I rang the number. Someone answered, "Hi is Amanda there?" I asked, throat dry, knees knocking together, "Yeah hang on"... fuck me; I'm going to be talking to her, what am I going to say! She picked up, the usual compliments and pleasantries were exchanged, ok this is it... "I still have feelings for you" I say (Yes hindsight, 20/20, stupid thing to say), "Oh" she said, not the response I was really hoping for, "Sorry I'm seeing someone" oh god smite me now please! Swallowing my pride I continue with the pleasantries, turns out we're both heading to the same college, maybe we'll see each other, probably not.

Two years of college (now about 18) and I didn't see her, then one day, while travailing back home on the bus I see her get on, at least I think I see her, sure it's been a while, but it looks just like her! Still too shy to say anything (seriously what do you say after THAT phone call?) besides she was with friends, so I just sat back and watched her, and saw where she got off. The next several months I tried in vain to figure out which house she lived in, with the hope of maybe, just maybe being able to send her a letter, even going so far as to ring the directory enquiries no luck. The quest continues.

Fast forward again to the spring of the first year of Uni (20/21), Friends Reunited and who should I see in the list of students at my school? That's right, Amanda... she seemed to be doing well for her self, she'd lost contact with a friend and was asking for any information on where she might be. Computer knowledge! Away! I searched the internet for a means of contact for her lost friend and I found something, excellent I have a legit reason for getting in contact with her. Pay the membership for Friends Reunited, formulate the email, ask the questions that have been eating away at me for years (did you really like me? Or were you just messing around with the loner kid?), does it read ok? yeah it's fine. All the contact stuff is right? yeah, send.

Nadda, zip, zero, cero, nothing, not a diccie bird, diddle squat. Hell didn't even get a "your message has been received"

And that was it, that was the story of my first love and the torment she has caused me and I've caused myself. Until now that is, now I've seen her, or someone who looks very similar at least and is the right age, and went to the right college and school. There's even photos... she's looking good, more or less as I remember her, sure the hairs changed but when doesn't it?

So now I have the dilemma, I had pretty much accepted that I wouldn't see or hear from her again but there's this myspace page, relatively recent, last logged in on Christmas Eve. I could just send her a message but do I want to? Do I want to kick up those memories, those feelings again? I've taken what I can from not knowing if she was messing with me or not, do I want to get my hopes up at getting a response? Not a day goes by where I don't think about what could have been, how different my life could have been had I been lucky and got with her. Do I have the right to nag her again after all this time, I am after all verging on stalker territory here, I only found her myspace because her Friends Reunited profile had disappeared. Do I have the right, the nerve, to drag her past back up? How will my actions affect her? If it's anything like she reacted when I didn't call her back in school, it could be pretty traumatic (when I didn't ring her, her whole wardrobe changed, gone were the brighter form fitting, more or less, clothes replaced with dark colours that hid her figure... I was making this girl depressed by not ringing her!). Do I dare run that risk again by sending her an email?

What if she answers, what if she answers my questions? Will I be able to cope with the answers supplied? Will it be enough to get the closure I've sought after for years? Or will it just raise more questions for me? Will it make me feel really bad for screwing things up?

So many questions... how am I meant to decide what to do?

It's almost too easy to do, just a click away and I could be in contact with her again.

I should probably point out that I've not been souly interested in Amanda all this time (I've not been that sad!) There have been several other girls that I've fallen for, all of which said no to an initial date, even one as simple as, "Can I buy you a drink?".

Doesn't change the fact that here profile is right there, looming over me... the discovery keeping me up till the wee hours of the morning.

This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.